As an aside to my paganism: unlike the simplicity of my rituals this is the area where I most want to go to town with animated graphics and fanciness.

Paganism isn't a religion to me. It's woven into my being. I don't wake up on a specific day and feel obliged to do some ritual because the calendar says it's a holy day or out of fear of divine retribution. When I cook there is ritual. When I shower there is ritual. There is ritual in everyday events and tasks. My spirituality was isolated from my self for too long. I'm finally allowing my spirit to roam freely as it needs. Sometimes I choose to do a more set ritual. When I make that choice, I do a ritual because I love; love for myself; love for my family; love for a friend; love for the earth. There is no obligation or threat in love, only choice.

I've walked this path of mine for many years. My journey is more of a Shaman. A Shaman (in many traditions) goes through some sort of deprivation or trial before taking up his/her role as community Shaman. That's how I look at my past experiences and the healing I'm doing emotionally and psychologically. It is very much a trial by fire, an ordeal endured, that has annealed my spirit. Now it is up to me to distill my beliefs and gentle my soul.

In many ways I didn't so much walk away from the Christian realm, I felt excluded and pushed away . There was no space for someone who holds the current Pope, and all Popes before him, personally responsible for the many deaths of children from preventable, but purely poverty related diseases in families where birth control could prevent unaffordable pregnancies. Women are, by the very words of the holy book christians use, secondary people, barely human, if at all. I can't support that concept.

I wasn't able to find my spiritual place in Christianity because of how the sexual abuse played a role. I was the temptress, the evil one, the "Eve", who caused the downfall of humankind. There's so much more dimension to me, as a human, than just that one single focus.

I'm more peaceful now. I tend to choose my battles with more care. I don't usually waste energy in circular arguements of "my goddess can beat the snot out of your god." As I heal emotionally I discovered I heal spiritually also. A lot of damage has been done by well meaning people (and some not so well meaning) who thought they were helping by telling me to "offer it up to god." Yeah, right. Pile it on the same heap as "don't dwell on it."

I like Dragons. Actually, I don't just like them, I feel an affinity to them. I used to hang out with unicorns, but one day a Dragon came to me. The only way I have of describing it is that the Dragon protected me. I know the Dragon is a part of my being, a protective bit of me, but it was still unnerving to hear it. Now Dragons surround me. Small Dragon statuary and stuffed Dragons perch on my monitor, they watch over me from atop my bookshelf and they watch our world from pictures on the wall. I wear Dragons. I collect on-line Dragon art and Dragon graphics. I dance and fly with Dragons in meditation and they protect me when I'm feeling vulnerable.

I think that everyone has a protective part of themselves that becomes something for them. For me it was a Dragon, for someone else it may be a Faery, an ancestor or a Deity. I think the protective part of our being is our spirit/soul. It shelters and defends when we feel vulnerable. We have to allow our spirits space to reflect upon what we want and need to nurture ourselves. I think that it's a part of becoming an integrated human, where mind, body, and spirit unite. As you read through my site you may notice that I'm still very much a fractured person. My feelings/emotions are separated from my intellect which is separated from my body which is separated from my spirit. I am more integrated as a human than I have been in my memory, but I'm far from where I aspire to be. What I want, and eventually will get, is to feel emotion(s) in all of me at the same time rather than having to process it through one part after another. When that integration happens then my site will be profoundly different from the way it is. However, I don't know how that will look right now.

My rituals tend toward the austere. After a childhood filled with the high ritual and spiritual disempowerment of Catholic Masses I keep what I do down to a minimum. I haven't bothered with special robes, but I've been thinking of some kind of special raiments for my occassional ritual. I don't use tools per se. I don't bother writing down rituals since each ritual is specific to a unique purpose. Making each ritual unique prevents me from becoming bored or lazy by using a formula ritual.

I use candles, incense and a lovely statue of a goddess carved out of wood that my S.O. gifted me with. The candle and/or statue are for meditation focus, the incense is a sort of olfactory cleansing. Then I ground myself and meditate on what I need or want to do. Sometimes I focus grounded energy to myself, sometimes to others. The energy tends to take the form of Dragons. When I use energy for myself that is when I dance and fly with the Dragons. I have sent Dragons/energy off to other people who requested it.

There are many pagan holy days, Imbolc (Feb 2), Oestera (spring equinox), Beltane (May 1), Litha (summer solstice), Lughnasadh or Lammas (Aug. 1), Mabbon (fall equinox), Samhain (Oct. 31), and Yule (winter solstice). Each of these mark a turning point of the year. However, these are specific to people who live in the northern hemisphere. Though I mark the year using those days, I don't remember some of the names, I mark the time. I had to use a calendar that had the names written on it to be able to tell you what they are.

The most important days to me are Yule,and Samhain.

Samhain means that the ancestors are coming to party. It is when the veil of our world and the world beyond our lives becomes thinnest and ancestors can commune with us. I put out an extra table setting, put food on their plate, pour drink in their glass and invite them to celebrate the night when our two worlds merge. There are some ancestors I don't welcome, they have to wait until I'm ready. Samhain is the time to celebrate the harvest of the year, whether from the vegitable patch or from life itself. Of course, I don't have to mention the delicious harvest of candy that comes from begging at our neighbour's doors.

Yule, the turning of the year from long dark nights to the returning of the summer light, is my new year. That is the time when I celebrate the year that was and rejoice and eagerly anticipate in the year that is to come. The year that is to come holds all kinds of potential and promise. This is the time of a grand vegitarian feast in our home. What better way to welcome back the sun than to have a huge summer salad and other yummies from the summer garden? It is also the time when our family exchanges our Yule gifts. We tell a story of Yule. One year my S.O. told the story of Amateratsu, the Japanese Sun Goddess. Yule is a time of family bonding and joy, of good food and lots and lots of candles to welcome back the cycle of long lighted days, warm earth, and plentiful harvests to come. My S.O. humours my need to have a family ritual and adapts the day to his particular path.

For the past couple of years, we've added a couple of close friends to our Yule celebration. They have become "family" or as I think of it "old shoes". We welcome into our ritual and feast as we light the candle of the waning night and from that candle, light the candle of the waxing sun.

I am developing a tradition for my son. In my opinion for a person to have a tradition they have to have some kind of link to a past, or have learned from someone else. What we do now, is his link to that past. For me, there isn't tradition because I've walked alone. I would have to go a long way back in the old family tree to find a Pagan Wise Woman. So I have no tradition but I am creating something for my son to follow. Being gentle to the earth, being gentle to other people, respecting himself, knowing that Deity is all around us and in everything are concepts that he's been familiar with for most of his life.

I have me.