I have encountered many questions about how I can be married to a man and be a lesbian. This is where I explain how it is for me. I don't expect that it will make sense to everyone but I do expect everyone to respect my right to live my life as I see fit.

I got married for 15 years ago this past summer (2001). I live with him. I love him. I'm a lesbian. He's straight.

The sexual abuse I endured as a child truly warped my life. For most of my life I was assexual. Neither men nor women attracted me. The only difference between the two genders was that I found women to be more visually pleasing than men. When they're naked men always look like a toddler escaping the potty. A far more amusing image than arousing. So because I had no leanings one way or the other I chose the socially acceptable (and far easier path) of heterosexuality. Social expectations are a powerful force.

During most of my married life we both knew I was different. We knew that something was awry. There was virtually no sex. Yes there was some, but I had almost no libdo at all. I could go for months without sex and my poor S.O. couldn't understand why; and neither could I. This further beat down on my already cellar low self-esteem because I wasn't living up to my conjugal obligations.

When I started working on healing from the sexual abuse meted out by the oldermale sibling I thought that in time and healing I'd be "normal." That wasn't the case though. As I healed my thoughts didn't roam to fantasies involving men, they involved women. For quite a while I thought it was a reaction to having been abused by a male. (It wasn't until a couple of years later when I had memories of some really ugly sexual abuse by my mother). The objects of my fancy didn't change. Women were still at the center of my erotic mental wanderings.

Also during this time I was finding that my respect for myself grew (granted it's still mighty little respect I get from me, but it's vastly more than I used to give me) the more I respected women. The more I respected women the more I was attracted to them. I found that I would seek out to watch interviews with strong women. Women like Naomi Judd, Maya Angelou, Dolly Parton, Emmylou Harris, etc. were interviewed by another phenominal woman, Oprah Winfrey. Many people make fun of her show, but when I needed to see strong minded, strong willed, powerful women who knew themselves, knew their paths in life, and accepted and liked themselves, it was she who had them on her show.

Then I got my very first crush. Here I was, in my mid 30s having my very first adolescent type crush. It was on a lovely woman I'd met on IRC. For quite a while she'd been answering various and sundry questions I would come up with. She answered them candidly. She was a little blunt at times, but that is the way she is. As we talked I came to admire her, and then I developed this rather embarassing crush on her. She was very sweet and very gentle. She allowed me the space to have my crush without crushing me. Eventually I got over it (mostly :>)

The complication of rather significant proportions was that I was already in a very committed relationship with a man. We had a child together. He has a cousin who's a lesbian and he loves her dearly. But I'm his wife and that puts a different shade on things. I spent two weeks talking to my friend on IRC working up the nerve to tell him. I'd worked out various responses to various responses he might have.

Then I went off and told him. His reaction? "Oh, ok. That explains a lot. I love you dear." That's been pretty much what it's been like. Though he does periodically wish that his dyke wife were straight he wants me to be me, without lies, without social pressures to be something I'm not. He never fails to support me in all ways to be the best me I can.

Now I know there's readers out there who would like to know why I would stay in a heterosexual type relationship when I'm not het. The answer to that is complicated.

1. I'm celebate and he's ok with that.
2. I like him.
3. He's one of the few adults I feel safe around in close proximity.
4. He's one of the few adults who bothered to work at gaining my trust (though there have been a few dear friends added on to that list).
5. I like him.
6. It would be a financial disaster for both of us if we split up.
7. We actually are good for each other most of the time.
8. The sexual abuse makes the concept of intense intimacy with anyone, other than someone I've known well for a long time, nigh impossible right now.
9. Creating and maintaining relationships takes a lot of energy. I'm learning how to maintain a regular friendship with women. Anything more will have to wait.

I love him, and though I'm not in love with him we have years invested in our relationship and learning how to live together with relative harmony. We respect each other's spaces. I couldn't have custom ordered a better friend.

For as long as I can remember something about me has been wrong in someone else's eyes. I was too fat, too short, too loud, too immature, too stupid, ad nauseum. From now on I look at my own life and live it according to my needs and ethics. Anyone who doesn't like that can stuff it in a very dark, smelly place.