I recommend that people starting out on healing painful trauma(s) have professional help of some sort. Whether that is a therapist, a peer counsellor, a minister, or whatever a person is comfortable with doesn't matter. What matters is that you don't do it alone and that the person you choose is capable. Having someone to hear can be enormously healing. This part of my site is dedicated to finding a therapist and what a therapist should be. Of course it is all my opinion and your's may vary .

When I searched out information about how to find a therapist that fits all my sources said, "Ask questions." I made up a list of questions that were important to me as I've moved through different therapists at the clinic I go to. I listened carefully to their answers. Even if I didn't precisely remember what their answers were I got the general trend and attitude. Ellen Bass and Laura Davis (and I'm sure other self-help authors) have a good list in their book The Courage to Heal. Laura Davis expands on this list in The Courage to Heal Workbook. Take what is useful to you and dump the rest.

1. I control what happens in a therapist's office. Do you have a problem with that?
2. Are you a survivor of child sexual abuse? (You may not want to ask this question but I always do. I want to know if I'm dealing with a wounded healer. I need to know that they're taking care of their own issues. I don't want to take care of the caretaker.)
3. How long have you been counseling?
4. How long have you worked with survivors?
5. What is your educational background?
6. Do you believe it's appropriate for adults to have sexual contact with children? (If yes, run for the hills and report them to the nearest professional association they may belong to.)
7. Do you believe it's appropriate for therapists to have sexual contact with their clients? (If yes, flee and report.)
8. Are you ok with working with gay/straight/bi clients? (This question can be very important considering how homophobic our society tends to be.)
9. Do you believe that spirituality has a bearing on healing?
10. Do you have any problem working with Pagan/Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Insert-Spirituality-Here clients?
11. What is your policy regarding self harm? Suicide? Do you insist on intervention?
12. What days are you unavailable? Can I contact you after office hours?
13. If you say something I don't like or object to I will challenge you. How will you deal with that?
14. What are your hourly rates? Is there a sliding fee for lower income people?
15. Do you charge for taking phone calls?
16. Do you offer group therapy also?

I'm sure that you'll be able to come up with many questions suited to your specific needs. Many survivors have multiple chemical addictions, have eating disorders, have compulsive behaviours, etc. Finding a therapist that fits your particular needs is imperative.

When you walk away from the interview ask yourself these questions:

1. Can I find a parking spot with ease?
2. How is the bus service?
3. Is there lots of lighting for evening appointments or evening groups?
4. Is the office pleasant? What did the general atmosphere of the office feel like?
5. Is the staff pleasant?
6. Did I feel listened to?
7. Did she/he talk above my understanding?
8. Did she/he interrupt me?
9. Did my opnions seem important to her/him?
10. Did I feel respected?

When you answer these questions please be honest with yourself. It's important. Sabotaging your healing by having a therapist who is inappropriate to your needs is something that should be avoided. The most important person in your life is you. The therapist is only a helpful addendum. You're worth the effort.

A good therapist is a helper, a suggester, a guide at times, an example at others. Above all else a good therapist is a witness to your pain, your rage, your joy, your life.

A good therpapist never leads. To quote a supporter friend of mine, "I am here to stay out of the way, to walk beside, not in front."

A good therapist is honest with herself and with you. She will try to honestly answer any question you ask.

A good therapist will always tell you when she doesn't know the answer and will, if possible, seek out the answer for you or help you find the answer yourself.

A good therapist is a stalwart supporter of you and your ability to do what you need to heal yourself.

A good therapist will answer the same questions, time after time, until you're ready to absorb the answer she gives.

A good therapist is open to criticism and will be willing to make changes in her way of relating to you.

A good therapist honours all boundaries you make and strives not to cross them.

A good therapist makes mistakes, recognizes them, apologizes for screwing up, and works hard at not screwing up again.

A good therapist knows and recognizes her own needs. She takes care of herself without help/demands from you.

A good therapist knows how to keep her issues separate from yours. She knows when she is taking on your stuff, stops and sheds it before she becomes too involved.

A good therapist knows she is second fiddle in your healing process. She is along for the ride and has the privilege of witnessing the rebirth of a new person.

And if she is good, she is remembered with love.